when you don’t feel anything anymore. i don’t feel anything anymore and it scares the crap out of me. no, i’m not some despondent kid who’s doing this for attention.
i had a fight with my dad a few moments ago about college stuff. i asked if i could take a gap year. seeing as how the chinese language has no vocabulary for ‘gap year’, i couldn’t really fully explain what it is, so i tried the best i could by saying how i would do internships and job shadowings. he took it as me wanting to not go to college and drop out and go work. what. then he accuses me of not being a good taiwanese because i can’t speak my own language. what.
anyways, i got mad because he ignored what i was there to ask in the first place. i asked him to choose a career path for me because he’s dictating everything else in the college process. he’s choosing how much we’re paying the colleges and which colleges i can and cannot apply to. heck, why not go ahead and choose my career path since i’ve no idea what i want to do anyways (hence why i want to take a gap year). he, of course, blew up in my face and we got into another yelling match. guess what he got from the whole conversation? he thinks im pressuring him and now he says he’s going to “push back harder to see who is more stubborn than the other”. did i mention: WHAT.??
and get this. being the typical asian parent he is, he thinks liberal arts colleges are crappy. he thinks i shouldn’t apply to them. he thinks i should apply to good schools. i told him i didn’t want to. he says i’m just too chicken to apply. HOLD ON. i never said i’m too chicken to apply there. i just don’t see myself at certain schools. however, i AM applying to a few good schools.
anyways. back to the cold, heartless me situation. i don’t feel motivation anymore. i used to be a nerd. now i’m procrastinating the heck out of all my schoolwork because i don’t see the point anymore. i have no ambitions. i have no dreams. i have nothing. i don’t even feel anything when i envision not going to college (something my dad also threatened me with). what has become of me?