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teenage life

I think I have ALL the different types of teenage problems. from parents, school, simply having too much to do, too little accomplished, and yes… heartbreaks. stupid heartbreaks. thank god or whoever it is that’s helping me through (cause I don’t personally believe in god albeit born n raised a Catholic) ..for sparing me troubles with friends.
here goes:
I have problems with mom, especially about college and stuff. Nothing new. Especially for Asian families.
Boys. The typical. The most unbearable shit ever. Which may sometimes actually only boil down to your self-esteem.
Your start questioning your self-worth when the past two guys in your life chooses some other girl over you, and that doesn’t really matter how brief or how significant that relationship is at all. It’s just the thought that you’ve been chosen over. You might not want her place, you probably aren’t too hut, you’re able to let it go, etc. But you can’t get over the fact that there may be something wrong about you….just may be?
Now the most recent one happens to be my first love, and perhaps someone who I haven’t really gotten over even after 4 years and 5 relationships after him. We remained friends all this time though. And of course, without me being fully aware that I’m not over him. Maybe I was in denial. Maybe it was repressed.
So the story goes; on last Thursday, I was his place just chilling as friends like I always did. Raided the fridge, listen to music, chill and all that. Then we talked about the future, college, career, how scared we are, so on and so forth. Then I started crying cause I’m scared about the future. And possibly not ever be able to hang with him like this ever again after graduation. Then. He put his arms around me, took my hand,
“I have something to tell you.. I think I still like you… And I’m guessing you feel the same way?”
Coming this far, denial is simply an invalid reason to let this go.
So I nodded, then we hugged, kissed, cuddled, all the while in his bed…but nothing further.
That went on for an hour or two, until we had to leave.
He disappeared for days until we met again for swim practice. He wouldn’t talk to me, so I asked him how long he was planning on not talking to me for…no answer.
After we left he called, and said we’ll talk that night. And we did.

His words, ‘I didn’t mean for it to happen,’ … ‘I don’t want to get back with you; I’m sorry,”

I mean I’m fine with being friends. It served us well for the past years after the break up, right? Besides, it’s our senior year…to get into a relationship now would only mean extreme insecurity towards the end of the year, and the very possible break up. Then the inevitable break down.

But what the fuck?
I feel horrible.. if not just hurt, that he’s not hitting on the girl he dated BEFORE me. Did I do something so horrible that 4 years after our break up he decides to go back on someone who dumped him twice? First time because she was bored and the second time she cheated on him with his close friend?
This really makes me question my self-worth. Why do they keep on choosing other people over me?

Oh. So self-doubt and a troubled mind is perhaps another typical teenage issue I have. Amen.

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IB students looking for an output.

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