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Dear mother, I think I have OCD.

It’s Mother’s day today in Thailand. I slept around 3 am? Woke up at 10 am to find that everybody already left to visit grandma. I feel bad for not making it, but not because it’s ‘Mother’s Day’ but rather, because I know this means a lot to both of them: mom and grandma. I honestly didn’t want to go visit her because it’s always so awkward. She’s a conservative Asian and a devout Catholic. She does everything the old way and is completely close-minded. She went to the doctor because she has heart problems. He said he’s not going to prescribe her the medication for her condition unless she stops taking those herbal shiznit she takes because he doesn’t know what the effect might be if she’s receiving two different types of medications where one’s active chemical isn’t even identified. She refused to stop. Gee. And now she’s having serious trouble sleeping. Always stressed about the things that are obviously out of her hands. So much that her most of her hair is falling off now. Mom is just a less severe version of her. At the moment. From what I see, she’s got the tendency to be much worse in the future. Mom is just like grannie. Personality wise. She’s her mommy’s favorite daughter. Had they not been mother and daughter I’d accuse her of being a sycophant. My grandma was a strong woman. That I know. But I don’t see that in my mom, in all honesty, even though their personality is so alike. My guess is that it’s cause my grandma put up so much for my mom back then that she’s still fragile but she learned to absorb my grandma’s values, nonetheless.

I hate Mother’s Day.

It’s getting me so frustrated right now, the more I think about it. Alright, so I said I feel bad for missing out because I know it’s important to both mom and grandma, not because it’s Mother’s day. But it still raises several question in my head. Like whether I really love them or not, or am I saying I do because it feels like an obligation, and because of the ranting from mom every time we fight that always ends with the “if you don’t love your parents you’re never gonna get anywhere in life” line. Typical Thai values. She follows what my grandma says as if they were rules. And she expects me to do the same. To both her and grandma. But fuck, she’s already got one to follow, her grandma but I got two? Okay, point invalid. They have the same brains anyway. Oops. Off topic once again. But this blog is, ultimately my ranting place. My apologies if it’s too long for the readers. But this…idkwatucallit feels like a middle class third culture kid’s dilemma. I added the middle class because a high class third culture kid would have less trouble, trust me.

So senior started 2 days ago and I’m already anxious about the things I know will happen, but hasn’t happened yet. You know, things like college apps and maybe SAT retakes and extended essay and then IA for all the fkn subjects you take, Religion retreat, balancing out work and sports because water polo season is about to start. In 3 days to be exact. And having the same Religion class as my ex’s new gf is definitely not the best thing especially when ‘Religion’ class isn’t really about different religions but as the name suggests, a religion, because it’s without the ‘s’ and yes, bad news. It’s Catechism. If I actually believe in all of that, I’d have to miss out on all the communion session during mass because of the shiznit that happened. And if Sister ever asks why, I’ll have to say it, and she’ll hear it. Ah. All hell will break lose right there, during mass, at the school’s church. Blahblahblah. So many things going on inside my head, let alone those involuntary and uncontrollable chemical processing and firing of neurons.

Back to the burden of a high school senior. Because promiscuity could be a life long issue, not just for your IB dip-er life. I’m not saying it is. IB year 2 has brought the dry spell. For academic survival. So. I did say that middle class third culture kids are in deeper shit. And this has nothing to do with the parents being less understanding or isn’t willing to give you some pampering after finishing a major essay or anything. It’s just the tiny little issue (to them) that they don’t got enough bucks to send me to a uni abroad. And even with financial aid, they’re kind of hesitant to support my living costs because they know it’s more expensive than here. And my grades aren’t that great. I mean sure, it’s been a jump. But frkn teenage hormones kicked in and last semester’s GPA was 0.07 lower than the one before it. And I’ll need better SAT if I want to go abroad. 1900 isn’t going to get me into a decent school with aid. This brings me back to my previous post about that sick cycle of contemplation whether I should just give up on school and lay back, watch the year go by and chill. Just go to a local uni. Or should I work my ass off and see if it gets me anywhere.

1. I’m scared of feeling worthless if I chill. And it’s not much of a choice. I can’t quit IB so the chilling option means ‘failing IB’ option. But either way I’ll have shit loads of activities. I’m definitely going to be in water polo and swimming team. And then the new stuff I’m planning to join are those like habitat for humanity, MUN and such. Oh and I’m part of the Link Crew too, if that means anything besides babysitting freshmen.

2. I’m scared of feeling disappointed if I work hard and don’t end up where I wanted. Knowing your best isn’t enough just sucks. And that is, in fact, what gives us the excuse to not give our best in most situations. Fear of disappointment. Not in anything else but yourself because you’ve given your all and according to the ‘standards’, it’s not enough. It’s like an A- student crying his ass off and posting fb status ranting about it. A grade B student would feel bad, even if they were satisfied with their scores. Well this is a real life situation, so excuse me if it’s not the perfect analogy but it’s just what’s in my head. Grade A- student says this is below his usual performance level and those grade B students are satisfied with their scores because that’s just their standards, so they shouldn’t hate him for crying out loud. But then I pointed out to him. That’s just like shoving it in the grade B student’s face that ‘Hah! Even my worst is better than your best!’ And that’s what I’m sacred of. Giving in my best, and still failing. And that IS liking getting that shoved in your face. ‘Hah! your best doesn’t pass the standards.’ Isn’t that worse than the real life example I gave? the ‘my worst is better than your best’. Cause at least both of them didn’t fail. Gah.

So. Comes down to 2 options, I think. Or maybe I haven’t thought well enough. I guess I’ll trust Robert Frost and choose the Road Not Taken. My assumption is that people are going to choose the easy way, option 1. So I’ll just go with #2, see where that takes me. Definitely not an easier path, but hopefully it pays off. If not with university, then for my own pride and ego. Because even at this point, I feel like I’ve got more life to my years than any of the others with the same amount of years I know. Hahaha. A long and ridiculously hard to follow sentence. Let’s just say I don’t know anybody else who’s got more ‘lifetime’ experience to their lives like I do. And I’m proud of that.

Oh. I haven’t started on my extended essay yet, and look at the word count of this post. 1362 at this point. If only extended essay was for ranting about IB. I’d finish it over a lunch break. (:

PS. I started this off with the Mother’s Day topic, and look where my stream of consciousness brought me. I definitely have an obsession with IB.



About incognitoblogging

IB students looking for an output.

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