Sometimes I feel like I don’t want this anymore. Sometimes I feel like it’s the best thing to hold on to in life. What do I do? The clock is ticking.
So I just came back from my last.ever. SEASAC swimming in Singapore. My head is a mess.
The fact that it’s my last is already a big deal, and I’m surprised I didn’t cry….at least not because it’s my last. And what with the Dec thing… which I actually cried over.
Last night my head was in a turmoil. I didn’t talk to Schwin at all, but I did, talk to Dec. It seems to be something more than just a SEASAC crush…at least right now. Maybe the haze will wear off in a few days.
This morning wasn’t that great either. I have way too many trips to go on and it bothers my best friend. I do feel guilty that she covers up our group work for me whenever I’m absent and go on trips. She was mad this morning, but hopefully we’re fine now. I promised to help. And I will.
I have Spanish IOC right after school today, and I’m hoping that’ll just pass.
I still can’t get my mind off Dec, but I’m going to try to settle things tonight. I really have no clue what’s going on in his head and I’m worried. I don’t want to hurt another soul, break another heart, and ruin his first for him. My cheating heart and messed up mind alone is enough.
Good bye, cruel world.
I think I have ALL the different types of teenage problems. from parents, school, simply having too much to do, too little accomplished, and yes… heartbreaks. stupid heartbreaks. thank god or whoever it is that’s helping me through (cause I don’t personally believe in god albeit born n raised a Catholic) ..for sparing me troubles with friends.
I have problems with mom, especially about college and stuff. Nothing new. Especially for Asian families.
Boys. The typical. The most unbearable shit ever. Which may sometimes actually only boil down to your self-esteem.
Your start questioning your self-worth when the past two guys in your life chooses some other girl over you, and that doesn’t really matter how brief or how significant that relationship is at all. It’s just the thought that you’ve been chosen over. You might not want her place, you probably aren’t too hut, you’re able to let it go, etc. But you can’t get over the fact that there may be something wrong about you….just may be?
Now the most recent one happens to be my first love, and perhaps someone who I haven’t really gotten over even after 4 years and 5 relationships after him. We remained friends all this time though. And of course, without me being fully aware that I’m not over him. Maybe I was in denial. Maybe it was repressed.
So the story goes; on last Thursday, I was his place just chilling as friends like I always did. Raided the fridge, listen to music, chill and all that. Then we talked about the future, college, career, how scared we are, so on and so forth. Then I started crying cause I’m scared about the future. And possibly not ever be able to hang with him like this ever again after graduation. Then. He put his arms around me, took my hand,
“I have something to tell you.. I think I still like you… And I’m guessing you feel the same way?”
Coming this far, denial is simply an invalid reason to let this go.
So I nodded, then we hugged, kissed, cuddled, all the while in his bed…but nothing further.
That went on for an hour or two, until we had to leave.
He disappeared for days until we met again for swim practice. He wouldn’t talk to me, so I asked him how long he was planning on not talking to me for…no answer.
After we left he called, and said we’ll talk that night. And we did.
His words, ‘I didn’t mean for it to happen,’ … ‘I don’t want to get back with you; I’m sorry,”
I mean I’m fine with being friends. It served us well for the past years after the break up, right? Besides, it’s our senior year…to get into a relationship now would only mean extreme insecurity towards the end of the year, and the very possible break up. Then the inevitable break down.
But what the fuck?
I feel horrible.. if not just hurt, that he’s not hitting on the girl he dated BEFORE me. Did I do something so horrible that 4 years after our break up he decides to go back on someone who dumped him twice? First time because she was bored and the second time she cheated on him with his close friend?
This really makes me question my self-worth. Why do they keep on choosing other people over me?
Oh. So self-doubt and a troubled mind is perhaps another typical teenage issue I have. Amen.
when you don’t feel anything anymore. i don’t feel anything anymore and it scares the crap out of me. no, i’m not some despondent kid who’s doing this for attention.
i had a fight with my dad a few moments ago about college stuff. i asked if i could take a gap year. seeing as how the chinese language has no vocabulary for ‘gap year’, i couldn’t really fully explain what it is, so i tried the best i could by saying how i would do internships and job shadowings. he took it as me wanting to not go to college and drop out and go work. what. then he accuses me of not being a good taiwanese because i can’t speak my own language. what.
anyways, i got mad because he ignored what i was there to ask in the first place. i asked him to choose a career path for me because he’s dictating everything else in the college process. he’s choosing how much we’re paying the colleges and which colleges i can and cannot apply to. heck, why not go ahead and choose my career path since i’ve no idea what i want to do anyways (hence why i want to take a gap year). he, of course, blew up in my face and we got into another yelling match. guess what he got from the whole conversation? he thinks im pressuring him and now he says he’s going to “push back harder to see who is more stubborn than the other”. did i mention: WHAT.??
and get this. being the typical asian parent he is, he thinks liberal arts colleges are crappy. he thinks i shouldn’t apply to them. he thinks i should apply to good schools. i told him i didn’t want to. he says i’m just too chicken to apply. HOLD ON. i never said i’m too chicken to apply there. i just don’t see myself at certain schools. however, i AM applying to a few good schools.
anyways. back to the cold, heartless me situation. i don’t feel motivation anymore. i used to be a nerd. now i’m procrastinating the heck out of all my schoolwork because i don’t see the point anymore. i have no ambitions. i have no dreams. i have nothing. i don’t even feel anything when i envision not going to college (something my dad also threatened me with). what has become of me?
i love that feeling after the water polo match. smiling like an idiot under my red towel in the car, seeing my own pink sky, artificial eyes, rose tinted glasses.
thanks to you, i’m not the same. because of you, i’ll never be the same.